Laundry Tips for Students Who Are Used to Having Housekeepers

For starters, if you’re actually reading this article out of necessity, you should be a little embarrassed. Didn’t they teach you about laundering in boarding school? 

Alas, I suppose someone must teach you and no, that person is not your next door neighbor who happens to be female, unless of course, you are my neighbor. 

Tip 1: Don’t leave your wet clothes in the washer for extended periods of time!

I know that you probably aren’t used to being considerate of others and bringing your attention to the fact that your actions might have negative externalities (a word you would understand) affecting your classmates might not incentivize you to leave the comfort of your criminally small room, but perhaps a warning about the eventual state of your clothes will. I hate to break it to you, but the Bohemian look just isn’t working on you one-percenters and the smell of mold certainly is growing on me, but not in a good way (think growing biologically). Take your Vineyard Vines long sleeve and Lululemon tennis skirts and go. 

Tip 2: Check the laundry barrel for remnants before moving on.

Another foreign topic: leave things the way you found them, rid yourself of your colonizer tendencies! If you are having trouble doing this, I suggest reading Instagram infographics made by Teen Vogue on how to be a better ally. Anyway, nobody wants to deal with your skidmarked Polo boxers or your monogrammed socks; that monogram isn’t going to help anyone locate you. (Honestly, it would enrage me and the only place getting located would be the G-A-R-B-A-G-E.)

Tip 3: If you simply can’t live without a housekeeper, hire a student to be one.

Support the gig economy. Now, by no means am I encouraging this. If you’re unable to clean a shoebox sized room, I don’t know how you expect to clean up. I guess you probably want to be a venture capitalist or an investment banker, so dirtiness is socially acceptable. 

Well in the spirit of the economy, it would be in everyone’s best interest for you to hire a student to do your bidding. You’re probably used to extreme shows of wealth and don’t get how hiring a housekeeper for a DORM or wearing a thousand dollar outfit to an 8 am lecture is off-putting, but believe me, nobody wants to see you check a housekeeper in. You care about image don’t you? Hiring a student would be far preferable. Just make sure to buy them a maid costume and pay them well! Nobody would ridicule you; people who work for you don’t have opinions after all. 

I hope these tips were helpful. No, I'm not leaving any forums open for your criticism of my volunteer contributions, before you complain about my tone, know that you’re the reason!