OP-ED: Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Trying to See What You're Writing on iMessage

I will be the first one to admit it — I don’t really know you. I think you asked a question during the first lecture, and you also seem to really be into alternative rock, but other than that, I really don’t know anything about you. What I’m trying to say is: I don’t have anything against you, nor do I have any reason to wish you ill.

With all that being said, could you move your head a little to the left? You appear to be texting your boyfriend, and honestly, it looks pretty spicy. Okay, wow, that’s one large wall of text. Yeah… just tilt your screen down a little bit more… sweet Jebediah, that’s the ticket.

I can see that you’ve minimized the window now, probably from the realization that you’re being watched. No worries, I’ll just wait until you absent-mindedly tab over to your conversations in about five minutes or so.

Crap, did you just see me staring? Or perhaps did you sense my looming presence behind you, expelling hot breath onto the nape of your neck? My apologies, I don’t mean to intrude. By all means, please continue typing.

Look — I get that I’m not really supposed to be here, and that I graduated from college some 30-odd years ago, but please. Just give me this.