SHOCKING: Students Question Reality as Campus Wi-Fi Functions for 5 Consecutive Minutes

Early this morning, Penn’s community was shaken to its core by a truly shocking event: the campus Wi-Fi functioned for five consecutive minutes. And not five minutes of 240p buffering, but five minutes of blisteringly fast, high-quality, uninterrupted internet. Needless to say, some were left utterly shattered by this unthinkable occurrence.

Students, faculty, and administration alike had come to accept Penn’s unstable WiFi as one of life’s fundamental truths. And though all were shocked by this morning’s events, none were so disturbed as the students, who have since been seen running around campus like headless chickens, shouting obscenities, prayers, and making calls to loved ones, fearing the coming Singularity. For others, the shock was simply too much; they lie motionless on Locust Walk.

Penn’s Reddit, likewise, was flooded by posts such as this one: “Is Penn’s internet not down for anyone else? Has been working for over 2 minutes 49 seconds as I type this message. WTF!?!?!??”

As our investigative team made its way down Locust Walk, carefully stepping over the myriad bodies of students who had collapsed from shock, we managed to interview some of the few students who remained conscious: 

Joe Salamanca, a junior in the College, gave us an eyewitness account of this morning’s harrowing events:

“Flabbergasted, I immediately called my mom, who, upon hearing the news, promptly called the campus police, thinking I had been drugged or kidnapped by none other than Amy Gutmann herself. Fortunately for me, the campus police did not respond to my mom’s misguided emergency call, since they were all busy streaming Netflix in crisp, clear 1080p.”

Luisa Paulson, a wise senior who has seen much during her time at Penn, explained the gravity of the situation:

“Yesterday, if you had asked me what I was absolutely certain of, I would have only answered two things in response. First, that the sun will rise in the morning, and second, that the campus Wi-Fi will not work for over a couple minutes at a time. Today, we have seen that our understanding of the world — our perception of reality — is deeply and irrevocably flawed. As I sit here, next to what is supposedly a statue of Ben Franklin, I can’t help but feel as though life is nothing more than meaningless suffering, and that we are but pawns in the universe’s machinations.”

Incredibly, the Wi-Fi continued to function for a total of five consecutive minutes before finally relenting.

We recognize that this may be the last UTB article you ever read, and we ever write; in that spirit, remember, as you are consumed by the void, that life was always meaningless.