Finally! Penn Dedicates Unimaginable Sums of Money to Some Ill-defined, Abstract Goal

At long last: Penn has accomplished the brave feat of dedicating an extremely large sum of money to some ill-defined and abstract initiative.

Last week, an official you haven’t heard from until now announced that the university would be funding some grand project to improve some broad, general aspect of well-being.

“We have a lot of money, and we will use it,” Director of Money Julia Stevenson proclaimed in her statement.

The fairly long-winded statement featured several mentions of the words “innovative,” “monumental,” and “exciting.” A couple days later, the news article about the project included some vague, yet positive comments from a handful of rich people.

So far, the initiative has been well-received by the student body.

“I feel good that my university is doing something good for the common good,” Alex Kinder (C ‘24) said with a shrug.

“I can’t wait for this thing to have some sort of tangible, real impact on people’s lives within a reasonable timeframe!” Kylee Jones (C’22) verbalized with zeal.

Ah, yes. What a comfort it is to know that unimaginable quantities of money and power are in the hands of the good people at Penn HQ.

“Above all else, please just know that we genuinely care about our students and about all the needy people in the world,” Stevenson concluded. “It’s just a coincidence that building this new center will also provide the highest return on our investment.”