BREAKING: Allegro Bans Masks After 12:00 AM

There is a new contender in the raging national debate over mask-wearing: Allegro Pizza and Grill. Yesterday, the popular campus spot announced that they would be banning masks indoors after 12:00 AM. 

Across the country, mask-wearing indoors remains a huge controversy. Anti-maskers claim that wearing surgical masks is an abomination, an infringement on freedom, and honestly kinda itchy; while those in favor of masks argue that they are necessary to convince the people around you that you care about the health and safety of the people around you. The middle ground is represented by Allegro Pizza's perspective, which is “we just do not give a fuck anymore,” according to a representative. 

Any patron of Allegro Pizza who has entered the restaurant during the evening or, really, at any time of day, has noticed that mask wearing is not enforced inside. During their later hours of operation, as drunk Penn students pour into the establishment to buy pizza that has suddenly become unbelievably delicious, anyone wearing a mask is immediately noticeable in a sea of bare faces. In order to shield any nerd who might decide to wear a mask at such a late hour from ridicule, Allegro has decided to fully ban masks in the interest of safety. 

Students had mixed feelings about the ban. We spoke with one unmasked student inside the restaurant in the early hours of Saturday morning. As she waited in line for her slice of buffalo chicken pizza, mask conveniently dangling from her wrist, she told us, “I just think it’s like, totally irresponsible to ban masks. Like, that’s unsafe. Is Allegro a Republican do you think?” When asked about her decision to abstain from wearing her own mask inside, despite the fact that the ban does not go into effect until next week, she waved her hand dismissively. “That’s different cuz I’m drunk. Plus it fucks up my makeup.”

Another student reacted to the news with a loud cheer. “FUCK YEAHHHH!!! BASED ALLEGROS!!!!” he shouted as he tore his Sixers jersey off his body in a display of raw passion. 

The University denounced the ban, citing the risk it poses to campus health. “Students should remain vigilant against Covid-19. Continue to get tested bi-weekly (whatever that means to you) and fill out your PennOpen Pass anytime you need to get into Van Pelt. And of course, students should wear masks in public spaces at all times. Except when eating in crowded dining areas, walking down Locust, drinking coffee in class, studying in a carrell, participating in a DFMO, performing with a campus arts group, going to a party, sitting in office hours with your chill TA, eating, smoking, chatting, beatboxing, frolicking, spitting, or at any other time that no one is looking.”

As always, stay safe Quakers.