Girl With Main Character Complex Finds Her Coming of Age Story Has Lots of Aging, Not Enough Coming

Yikes! In a recent group therapy session hosted by Under the Button, Becca Jackson (E’25) shared some saddening news with its staffers. Upon arriving at Penn, she expected to finally blossom into the main character of a hit Netflix TV show, the one that has 30-year-olds play 18-year-olds in high school. All Becca wanted was to become rich, famous, and beautiful without any problems. But above all, Becca wanted to be great at giving and receiving. After binge watching all the Timothée Chalamet movies that she could get her pissy, grubby little paws on, she developed an unfortunate main character complex. She bought heaps of clothes off Depop, cut her hair, then dyed her hair, then cut it again (this time giving herself uneven bangs!) for good measure. She was ready for it. She was fucking game.

Two months into the school year, she was severely let down. Gosh, she thought. All the guys here have the tiniest of dick energies. Her left flap kept bleeding after sex when she explicitly vocalized to him to not rub it that hard. 

The other day, she caught a white piece of hair sticking out from her bangs. She sat in bed, gazing into the deep dark abyss, tumbling within herself before falling asleep. Fuck. She felt the universe swallowing her whole. Thoughts of her future raced through her feeble mind. Ruptured by the convictions of aging and decaying, she had her first mental breakdown, Booksmart style.