Op-Ed: Amy Gutmann has 7 Horcruxes and Here’s What I Think They Are

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you. President Gutmann has taken extreme measures to secure her youth and longevity, practices made infamous by none other than Lord Voldemort. Yes, that’s right, Amy Gutmann has 7 magical horcruxes splitting her soul and protecting her from death. Here is what I think they are:

1. Her Daughter Abbey

Just like Voldemort attached one of his horcruxes to (spoiler alert) Harry Potter, Gutmann’s sole heir to her dark magic, Abbey Gutmann, was an obvious choice for a horcrux. 

2. Perry World House

Clean, sterile, reminds you vaguely of a hospital - Perry World House and Amy Gutmann sure do have a lot in common. No wonder she decided to make this entire structure her second horcrux.

3. Her Personal Botox Syringe

Some things even dark magic can’t fix, and by daily botox injections, Gutmann can stay looking youthful and vibrant. This syringe never leaves her sight, so she thought it was a perfect addition to her collection of magical objects keeping her soul alive.

4. A Swarovski Crystal German Beer Mug

Just because you had to murder someone with dark magic to make a horcrux doesn’t mean it shouldn’t have a little class to it, too! This mug reminds Gutmann of the beloved country of Germany that she will soon be the ambassador of, and it also makes a great paperweight in her office to hold down all of those pesky financial aid papers.

5. One Singular Baby Tooth 

Along with the concerning amounts of botox keeping her youthful, Gutmann’s pearly whites are also a defining trait of hers. Her baby tooth, a reminder of her childhood, is sewn inside of her blazer so that she never leaves home without it, the fifth section of her soul. 

6. Amy Gutmann Hall

Oh, you though the new building being created in her honor was for data science? Silly you. It's actually protecting her sixth horcrux, the 69th brick (it's her favorite number) placed in the construction process of this new hall. 

7. Benjamin Franklin Bench

Sadly, I don't think our dear president is aware of the fact that most people see her seventh horcrux as a urinal rather than a source of dark magic...