Report: Outlets in Van Pelt Only Broken When in Use

University administration recently commissioned an investigation into the electrical outlets in Van Pelt Library after receiving many complaints, and the results are good news for students. The report states that at least 80% of the outlets are fully functional, as long as they are not being used. 

In an email that went out to the entire undergraduate community, the University released this statement:

“After so many of you whiny brats complained, we caved and looked into the problem with the outlets. And guess what, it’s not us. The overwhelming majority of the outlets work perfectly fine, unless something is plugged into them. We assure you, the rest of the time there is tons of electricity pumping through those things.” 

“I’m honestly embarrassed,” one anonymous freshman told us. “I’ve been bitching for so long about how the University couldn’t be bothered to fix the outlets even though they have literally billions of dollars and own half the city of Philadelphia, when this whole time it was just my fault. I feel like I owe Amy Gutmann a personal apology.”

Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7.