Swinging Both Ways! Weather Found To Be Both 1000 and -10 Degrees Simultaneously

The past few weeks have been super wild, and the weather reflects this perfectly with mercurial temperatures ranging from 1000 to -10 degrees simultaneously. Last Monday, lava spewed from the hot, steamy, wretched earth in the early morning, despite many news outlets proclaiming it was only fifty six degrees. And by the late afternoon, the lava had frozen over, leaving students and staff on Locust confused as fuck. Despite students imploring their weather app for answers, they remain perplexed about how to best prepare for such volatile weather. But do not fret! Under the Button was on the scene, harassing people on Locust Walk for the best strategies to overcome the climate crisis.

“Carry a CG jacket at all times. Oh, what’s CG? It’s pretty underground; it’s actually a really indie brand. It’s short for Canada Goose actually haha, yeah… oh right, tips on how to dress for the weather. I just wear whatever to be honest; my black spaghetti strap top and blue jeans from Brandy Melville suffice in any weather haha,” Clarissa Johnson (W’25) rambled enthusiastically.

Good for her! But for the rest of us without a Canada Goose jacket, what’s the solution? What do we do when we step out of our warm, cozy dorms out into the whipping cold? How shall we survive when we strut out in our long trench coats, padded puffer jackets and brown fuzzy urban outfitters size 0 sweaters only to find the hot atmosphere slapping us non-consensually in our faces? 

Tbh, the weather is really giving bisexuality right now. Good for her.