Financial Aid Office Gives Crying, Broke Student Free Pen Before Telling Them to Go Fuck Themselves

Another heartwarming story took place in the Student Registration & Financial Services Office last week. SFS, known for their compassion and fast response times, generously gifted a struggling student a super cute pen totally free of charge! 

While the student had initially entered the office seeking an increase in her financial aid package, she left in tears as the new owner of a very stylish pen and absolutely no money at all. 

Financial aid counselors all agreed that this was the best offer they could make. Times are tough right now, and with Penn’s endowment increasing by billions of dollars over the course of the pandemic, the University simply cannot afford to put any more money towards financial aid for students. After all, the budget is already stretched thin with plans to further gentrify West Philadelphia and develop new cutting-edge PowerPoint programs for Wharton students. This is why when the student boldly filed for a re-evaluation of her financial aid package, she was promptly told to take her pen and fuck off. 

Under the Button spoke to a financial aid counselor to get more details. “She was being sooo annoying with this whole ‘financial aid’ thing,” one counselor told us. “Like, oh, I’m sorry, your mommy and daddy can’t afford to send you here? You thought the University was committed to having students graduate debt-free? And you think that’s my problem? Wrong! If on the off chance you somehow can’t afford to pay the totally reasonable and fair tuition out-of-pocket, just take out a loan. Not a big deal.”

In an exclusive interview, the student recounted her lucky break to UTB. “I understand that I was asking a lot by requesting that the amount of my financial aid not be lowered, and I've learned my lesson, especially after my financial aid advisor spit on me and called me a stupid broke bitch," the student told us, wiping her face with a tissue. "And I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because it is a really nice pen. But part of me wishes I would have haggled a little more -- if I could do it all over again I would probably try to get something more valuable, like Amy Gutmann’s autograph or a water bottle or something.” 

Conveniently, this very pen can and will be used to sign on for the loans that she will be paying off for the next few decades of her life!