BREAKING: Penn to Undergo Transfer of Power (From Blonde to Brunette)

Huge news! The new President of the University of Pennsylvania has been selected: Elizabeth Magill. Sure, we could bore you with her “prior work experience” or her “values” (not that they’ll be informing any decisions at this morally bankrupt school!), but we’d like to hone in on something that’s been overlooked: her hair color. That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.  

The decision is a practical one: as we all know, it’s been extremely tedious to hold Amy accountable due to her hair color, as being blonde holds social capital (i.e. Cool & Popular). This means it's hard to oppose her.  It’s also hard to make eye contact with Gutmann due the reflective nature of her hair, which is reportedly brighter than that of Maria’s in “The Sound of Music,” a well-known Swedish horror film. But, perhaps it is also a symbolic decision, one that indicates a new vision for Penn’s future. As we know from our collective memory and human history (Gossip Girl), sometimes a brunette is needed to bring about real change. Magill could be exactly the type of President who’s ready to shake things up and take the road less traveled. Maybe this transfer of power marks the beginning of a new era of Penn leadership, different from Gutman’s guidance, one where we address the tough issues on our campus like climate change, racial justice, and mental health. 

But who knows? Maybe Amy won’t be so far from the action. After all, every brunette needs a blonde best friend…