Penn to Suspend Campus Operations Until They Get To the Bottom of What’s Going on (Theta Big-Little Week)

You open the instagram app and peruse through a few stories, as one is wont to do. After a few promoting mediocre performing arts group events, you eventually tumble upon a picture of a twin-sized bed adorned with oversized bags of Skinny Pop, black and gold sorority paraphernalia, and large balloon letters which spell “Theta Loves You.”

An air of enchantment and enthusiasm settles over your person. Surely, it’s not possible. Have we already reached that time of the year? A new class of queens, princesses, and duchesses had only been inducted into the honorable and august Kappa Alpha Theta a few weeks earlier. Were we now being treated to prominent social media posts about their most sacred tradition? 

You arrive on campus only to find that classes had been cancelled. You assume it’s just an aberration. After meeting with a friend for lunch plans, you learn that Interim President Wendell Pritchett has suspended all campus operations in honor of the holiday.

No longer bearing the burden of superfluous coursework, you can dedicate your attention to what really matters. An eerie silence has settled over campus as students have returned to their homes to fastidiously monitor the Instagram activities of Kappa Alpha Theta sisters. Magic Carpet and Franklin’s Table report a sizable decrease in their revenue as their most loyal patrons execute the week’s tasks with a grim determination, only sparing time for meals between meticulously planned social media campaigns.