OP-ED: My Dad Has a Lawyer, but Not in the Same Way Yours Does

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of my classmates’ parents have these nifty little helpers that they call "lawyers." I overheard a kid in my ECON 323 lecture explaining how his dad’s lawyer just made a huge insider trading scandal "go away." Then someone else jumps in and tells a story about their family’s lawyer who won some lawsuit involving some sort of union-busting lawsuit. Everyone sort of turns to me waiting for my legal anecdote, and in that moment, I was infinite. I cleared my throat, blinked my eyes (blue) thrice, and adjusted my posture, I knew my status as a capitalist, Whartonite shit would be solidified.

Long story short, the state appointed lawyer expunging two of my dad's three DUIs from his record is apparently not a great social bargaining chip, and is, in the words of the girl who sits next to me in ECON, "sad." Now here's where I'm confused... why is my dad's lawyer not as cool as everyone else’s? The Law offices of Hugh, Janus, and Cox have done great things for my family, why should I not be allowed to bask in the glory of my father cheating the United States Government in a completely legal sense like everyone else does?

Now, I'm not a lawyer myself (but I could be, I just don't feel like it) but does our great United States Constitution not declare that everyman is equal? My dad's lawyer, who I get to call Jerry, is really cool, I just wish my classmates would give him a chance. When I started telling everyone how Jerry got my dad's second DUI thrown out of court by arguing that the cop who arrested him was gay, everyone just got quiet, and one girl texted me after class to ask if I "needed someone to talk to." 

Upon reflection, I am proposing that NONE of us talk about our lawyers, that way nobody feels left out. In this vein of thought we should probably also all avoid talking about our summer internships, cars, summer homes, spring break plans, and what we did last weekend.