Extremist Group You Don’t Care About Does Something You Don’t Understand in Country You Haven’t Heard Of

An extremist group, whose name seems like a random collection of consonants, has claimed responsibility for an event that is probably important.

Innocent civilians—who you will post about on Facebook and then immediately forget—were affected in some way.

The group is in opposition to the country’s government, said an important person. The number of casualties caused by the incident is a number we pulled out of our ass. 

Exclusive security footage that we reviewed showed us exactly what we knew before seeing the footage. Top national security officials say they are looking into the attack, strongly indicating that they already know everything there is to know. 

The extremist group has appeared on your Facebook feed many times in the past—you always respond to those posts with a “sad face” emoji. In the next three hours, your conservative friends will make posts complaining about religious extremism, your liberal friends will make posts complaining about American Imperialism, and everyone else will be deciding which posts are the least controversial to “like.” Also prepare for three Daily Pennsylvanian opinion pieces that say the same thing about this.

Our foreign affairs experts are currently working to locate this country on a map. We will update you with new information about the incident as the governments involved make it up.