OP-ED: The Grab and Go Policy Should Be Extended to Fracket Piles

Let’s set the scene—it’s a Friday night, you and your gal pals are going out to a frat party after a long week of studying the brutal condition of humans, maybe a little dancing, maybe a little drinking, maybe a little petty theft. That’s right—petty theft. You read that correctly. It’s become an adamant part of my daily routine, and it’s about to become a part of yours, too.

Let me continue with my little anecdote from before. You are at a frat house with some friends, the night is starting to come to a close. You ignore your quickly-approaching tunnel vision and attempt to stumble across the oddly sticky basement you have found yourself in. The exit of this brutish hotel finally comes into sight, and you half-run half-fall your way into the doorway. You open the door, ready for a breath of fresh air that so starkly contrasts the nicotine/carbon dioxide/cigarette/urine/dfmo taste that envelops your mouth. However, as soon as your wristbanded hand turns the door knob, you are immediately greeted with a harsh cold that makes your nips feel like they could cut through diamonds—not exactly ideal in your cheapass Zara jeans and top that barely passes as anything more than a bra.

Thus, you are struck with an inevitable crossroads—do you brave the cold? Or return to the hellish, petri-dish-basement in search of your jacket. You return to the basement, it is the only option. However, you quickly discover that your frat jacket, or “fracket” per se (that’s what you call it if you’re cool like me) has been stolen! The horror! This is not the end of your story. That Amazon Originals puffer will not die in vain.

When one jacket dies, another is reborn. Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate. It’s destiny. It’s…the new grab and go policy… definitely not just stealing the nicest jacket you can find in the sea of black puffers on the floor. That would be wrong.