Observant Instagram User Realizes Friend Group Has Hung Out After Seeing Twenty Reposts of Same Story

Sometimes, discoveries and innovation seem like dumb luck. Why is Mondrian so famous for painting primary? Colored? Squares? Why is Newton such a genius for watching? An apple? Fall? Why did stupid Alex from Econ realize that if he got COVID during Rush week, he could stay in the Sheraton and skip class? People are given so much credit for the smallest of feats, simply because they did them before someone else could. I’m more impressed when achievements come at great costs: years of research, hours of suffering, etc. I love when new elements are discovered—scientists are just so smart.  

As I sit and long for an Orgellium to be discovered (not by me), I can still derive some joy from slightly (but only slightly) less impressive discoveries. Recently, a classmate shared one with me. On her handheld, digital screen, she shared her impressive empirical approach with me. It involved a series of taps through many images. A true archival dig if I’ve ever seen one. After completing a recreation of her procedure, she shared her conclusion. A random group of twenty people in her following population had in their words, “hosted a kickback,” or in vernacular English, had crammed into a Quad single with a few “claws” and Tostitos and watched Too Hot to Handle. 

This was a shocking discovery, not only due to the unlikelihood of a group of freshmen hanging out in a dorm, but also because my friend, or should I say PI, was faced with such scant information. All she had to work with was each subject's Instagram story, posting the same picture each time. What are the odds that among a group with a median number of 4000 followers, 90% of which were gained after enrolling at Penn, my dear PI would have followed them all? Given their scarce posts, it seems that these students did not want anyone to know that they were hanging out. Clearly, they’ve moved past the state where they think drinking “claws” makes them cool. In fact, they were so embarrassed of their beverage of choice, it seems they only posted on their most private platforms. They didn’t want people to know they were hanging out. 

Under dire circumstances, using her innate talents, my PI beat all odds and discovered this great secret. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a Loserstalkerium discovered in the next decade, named in her honor.