Fuck It—Penn to Require On-Campus Housing For-Life

Many students were extremely disheartened following the University’s announcement almost two years ago that all sophomores will be required to live on campus now. Many argued that Penn was solely trying to “profit off of the fact that on campus housing is ridiculously expensive” and that “the new policy is forcing students to live in outdated buildings that flood,” but that’s not true! Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!

There are three phases to the new on-campus for-life program starting this year.

1. First, the education housing will continue as normal for college and grad students. Instead of building more dorms for juniors and seniors, Penn has decided to make every single twin bed on campus a bunk bed. From now on, every traditional “double room” common in Freshman housing will now be a combined room for one freshman, one sophomore, one junior, and one senior - what a bonding experience! Furthermore, all housing assignments will be completely random. For eternity. 
2. After graduating, many students might choose to move to New York to work – too bad! We now all work at Penn, and will never ever have another job outside of it. Ever. What a relief! No job searching, no interviews, nothing! In fact, I just got my assignment last week—serving soup at commons! For all of eternity! I could not be more excited. As a PPE major, serving watery instant-made broccoli cheddar to my peers every single day for the rest of my life is such a great way to use my degree to its full extent. 
3. As we grow old, so do our needs and working abilities. Penn has been so gracious to announce the new construction of New Nursing Home West. This building will actually be constructed on top of what is currently New College House West. Furthermore, the students living in NCHW are actually now the night nurses for New Nursing Home West—what a short commute! Although many have complained that this is “unfair for students to be expected to work a 12 hour night shift after attending classes all day to seek an undergraduate degree” and that they “have consistently been getting less than two hours of sleep a night,” this is far from the truth. Many students have shared their excitement with UTB at the opportunity to come home from a full day of classes and then clean bedpans, give sponge baths to 70-year-old men, and spoon feed their dear elders. Not only is this a realistic solution for lifetime housing, it provides students with working experience—whether they want it or not!

This new housing announcement will go into effect starting at the beginning of the Fall 2022 semester. Instead of living in NCHW with my freshman year friends, I am looking forward to the opportunity to instead live with complete randos all in different grades in a 5x8 shoebox with barely enough room for two people, let alone four. After serving soup all day, laying in my bunk bed twin-XL is the only thing that I have to look forward to now. Thanks, Penn!