Desperate Sublet Offer Comes With Reduced Rent, Promise of First-born

If you are one of the hundreds of students struggling to find someone to sublet your off-campus apartment for the spring semester, you are not alone. Students planning on studying abroad in the spring have been shocked to discover that, after a year and a half away from campus and heavy travel restrictions in many overseas countries this past fall, there is practically no one who is only in need of housing for the second half of the year. A few very unhelpful economic majors have explained this as a problem with “supply and demand,” although this is a very complex topic that no one else could possibly understand.

As next semester draws ever closer, desperate students have been forced to start throwing in some added perks to their sublet offers. Increasingly anguished pleas have been posted in the Penn Housing Facebook group. One student in the Radian offered to cover half of the rent for each month, provide all of her furniture, and even leave behind her live-in maid and personal chef at no charge.

She is unlikely to have any luck, as most offers include many more bonuses than that. Under the Button reached out to Clare Heinz (C’ 23), whose post in the Housing group included free rent for two months, a summer internship at her dad’s company, and ownership of her future first-born child.

While initially pissed that we were reaching out with no intent on subletting her apartment, Clare did agree to speak with us. “It’s just really frustrating that I still haven’t gotten any interest yet. I didn’t think the first-born child thing would work, but I was sure the internship would draw people in,” she told us. “My parents are gonna be so annoyed if they have to pay for an apartment that no one’s living in. Like they’ll do it, and it won't cause them any financial problems, but they’ll be annoyed.”

When asked if the promise of her first-born was something she actually intended to follow through on, Clare assured us she was deadly serious. “I’ve never been super into the whole kid thing, so they can have it. Worst case scenario I can always make another one, but four months of wasted rent? That’s something my dad can never get back in theory.” We applaud Clare’s wise economical decision-making, and wish her luck.

Luckily for anyone living in The Chestnut, one clause in their lease is that if they are unable to find a subletter Mommy and Daddy will still cover the rent no matter what.