Penn to Cease All Classes, Instead Robs Students at Gunpoint for Four Straight Years

The University of Pennsylvania is the first in a possible string of top-tier schools that have decided to cut to the chase and remove classes from the curriculum entirely. Why waste all of the time and money required for things like classes and professors? These endeavors serve no good other than distracting Penn’s board from their main focus, which is exponentially increasing the endowment and, in a constant ratio, the tuition. To help reach the goal of overtaking Amazon and Tesla in terms of net worth, Penn is implementing several new policies:

• Instead of attending classes, students(or “commodities”, as Penn has stated they will be referring to students moving forward) will sit for four years in a 5 square foot by 5 square foot, dank dorm as they are forced at gunpoint to do nothing but mine Bitcoin and buy meal plans for 23 hours a day.
• Any writings that threaten the reputation or honor of The People’s Democratic Republic of The University of Pennsylvania shall be taken down and the perpetrators responsible hanged in the Perelman Quadrangle.
• All college house bathrooms have been replaced with buckets and hoses
  

Disclaimer: Of course it goes without saying, but Wharton students will be unaffected by the new policies.