Report: 9 Out of 10 UTB Writers Enjoy Lives of Fame, Luxury, and Excess

Here’s one for the moneyed folk! An internal report released on Monday indicated that 9 out of 10 writers for Under the Button lead cushioned lives of fame, luxury, and excess.

To learn more about this phenomenon, we reached out to long-time UTB writer Jim Allen. Although we were unable to secure an interview with him on account of his busy schedule, we were able to gain access to his personal butler, who subsequently handed us a copy of Allen’s itinerary for release to the hoi polloi.

Without further ado, here is a real day in the life of an average UTB writer.

8:00 a.m.: Wake up, snort cocaine off shiny platter from Borobudur, a 9th-century temple located in Java, Indonesia.

8:01 a.m.: Shout at top of lungs & break into furious sweat.

8:05 a.m.: Various birds walk into room, and are swifty slaughtered via battleaxe. Personal chefs prepare duck à l'orange decorated with dragées and confit.

8:30 a.m.: Feast begins.

9:30 a.m.: Feast ends. Staff sweeps up sinew and entrails.

10:00 a.m.: Go for a dip in 5000 square foot swimming pool with waterfalls. Splash water over barricade onto the Great Unwashed below.

10:30 a.m.: Get out of bed.

11:00 a.m.: Return to room. Open up laptop to see the unimaginable sums of money generated by articles on Under the Button, Penn’s only intentionally satirical news source.

11:15 a.m.: Laugh as the numbers continue to rise. Various birds walk into room, and are promptly dispatched via modified flamethrower.

11:30 a.m.: Feast begins.

12:30 p.m.: Feast ends. Get architects to replace smashed mirrors and windows.

1:00 p.m.: Narcotic sampling platter arrives.

1:30 p.m.: Insider trading.

2:00 p.m.: Start shouting at people who ghostwrite articles to hurry it up, or their “heads will be next on the chopping block.”

2:15 p.m.: Confer with personal lawyers about animal cruelty allegations.

2:30 p.m.: Start shouting “just make it happen! JUST MAKE THINGS HAPPEN, OKAY?” while frantically waving arms.

3:00 p.m.: Meet with assorted celebrities to make a TikTok. Slaughter a bird with your own bare hands and drink its blood for the camera.

4:00 p.m.: Narcotic sampling platter departs.

4:30 p.m.: Meditation and mindfulness session.

6:00 p.m.: Various birds walk into room, and are eviscerated in the worst ways imaginable. Chefs prepare ortolan buntings encased in candied foie gras.

6:30 p.m.: Feast begins.

8:00 p.m.: Feast ends. Send in construction crew to repair half of dining room which has been completely demolished by the events of dinner.

8:30 p.m.: Have butler read the New York Times (it will turn him into an upstanding young gentleman).

9:00 p.m.: Slaughter more birds, just for fun this time.

10:00 p.m.: Gaze through transparent ceiling in bedroom at stars above. Point at random star and buy it.

10:15 p.m.: Shout “I’m a star, a STAR!” while holding fists up in air.

10:30 p.m.: Get ready for bed. Clean blood off clothing and hands.

11:00 p.m.: Say a quick prayer and get some well-earned rest. Thanks for everything, UTB!