Feeling Generous This V-Day Season? Consider Purchasing Roses to Help Local Sorority Sisters Go to Vegas

‘Tis the season for giving. In fact, this season is giving. It being mid-February, I know that you gold digger shawties and trust fund baddies are just itching to dribble a little money out of those Burberry pockets and help a good cause, like building schools for kids in Africa. It’s good to put your money where your heart is. Shop local and look no further than the Sorry Sluts of Locust. Better known as the 501 ©: Sorority Sisters.

This Valentine’s Day season, I know where my heart is; it’s with these girls who just wanna have fun. What better way to show the love than with a Vegas Valentine; a donation, with a side of cliché, toward the noble cause of the sigma sisters’ annual Easter crusade to Sin City. Anything helps and if you just take a second of your time to listen to their cause, you could be making a shy small town girl’s dream come true. 

I know it’s easy to scoff at beggars. That putrid smell of Gucci Flora is enough to make me put my AirPods in and pretend I don’t speak English or understand the plight of the disadvantaged or my (your) role in it as a top 0.005 percenter. But I’m asking you to give them a chance. 

Be charitable. Resident representative baddie AOC was a sorority sister and look where she is now. Tax the rich? Ok, make a donation! Don’t you want to be able to say that you helped pave the way for the future hottest women in politics once AOC becomes a MILF? 

You sleep better if you take ketamine and in this case, the ketamine is charity. Be charitable, because the benefits are limitless. These gorgeous, generous girls will give you their flower, in this case a rose. Feeling guilty for your lustful thoughts? Repent with indulgence; indulge their wishes. Because of your gesture, an additional threesome or foursome or sextet might just have the chance to take this holy rite. 

So next time you see a sorry set of girls selling roses, don’t just think, “They’re so drab!” Think about how your wallet can make the world a holier place.