Liberal Hoax! COVID-19 Testing Fake, Biden Just Really Thirsty for Human Saliva

This past Wednesday, Oval Office security footage was leaked. The viral video showed President Joe Biden in his office receiving a cooler of fifty-seven COVID-19 tests and swallowing them all, one by one. He then polished off the beverages by licking thirty-six nasal tests as one would a lollipop. He did this for 2 hours while watching Youtube videos on how to make the perfect pot roast.

The FBI's investigation confirmed President Joe Biden had been re-routing every COVID-19 test in America to the White House to drink them all. Moreover, the report reveals that this operation has been in place for months. 

One hour after the footage leaked, a Tik-Tok surfaced titled: "How I Exposed Slurpy Joe." In it, Brenton Myerson, a twenty-five-year-old White House security guard, says that drinking Americans' saliva is not even the weirdest thing he's seen President Biden do in his office. He says, "I have hundreds of videos of him reenacting those sad as shit ASPCA videos. He even gets in a cage and everything, but there's isn't an audience. A lot of work for no audience."

The White House physician, Colonel Kevin O'Connor, DO, USA (Ret.), recommended that the President get COVID-19 tested, given his mass consumption of saliva. However, testing proved difficult when President Biden ate all of his nasal swabs whole. The White House Medical Unit will continue to try to get an accurate test from President Biden. 

This shocking news helps explain a recent rise in false positives, as test results nationwide have been randomly generated for almost a year now. The CDC released a statement: "We gave the President the tests because we thought he wanted to conduct every single COVID-19 test himself. At the time, he seemed truly dedicated to the well-being of the American people. An internal review will be conducted to ensure accountability in light of these events." The CDC then advised Americans to fill their test tubes with semen and cover their nasal swabs with blood to deter the President from continuing to snack on the coronavirus tests. 

In response to the video, President Biden tweeted: "By ingesting the saliva of every citizen, I can consume your thoughts and, in this way, connect intimately and effectively with the needs of the American public."

Political scientists praise Joe Biden's innovative polling method, calling it: "the greatest breakthrough in public opinion data acquisition." A USA Today poll reveals that 82% of Americans wish that at the very least Joe Biden would spit the saliva back into their mouths, one by one. Furthermore, 100% of the 82% preferred the mode of spitting to be "similar to that of a mother bird feeding a baby bird."