Progress! Only Two (2) Students Sent to Hospital After Commons Dinner This Week

Was it the Mojo roasted pork burritos? Or the mushroom quiche?

All we know is that last week Penn saw a record number of 37 students who succumbed to food poisoning following their dinner at 1920 Commons dining hall. The news left the Penn dining staff perplexed considering that their health rating was recently curved to an A. 

But don’t worry… Progress has been made! Only two (2) students were sent to the hospital for food poisoning this week! We owe this progress to the Penn Moms Facebook group. After sending numerous strongly worded emails to the head of Penn Dining about the chewy yet slimy texture of the miso meatloaf, the ominous dish was finally removed from the menu.  

As a Penn student, I feel constant, utter despair over the unethical nature of the Penn dining plan. But if I were Commons, I’d take some pointers from McClelland. McClelland Dining Hall serves raw tuna, raw salmon, and imitation crab and has yet to send a single soul to the hospital. McClelland has also explored the versatility of chicken by serving it in the form of popcorn, nugget, and believe it or not, fingers cut into smaller pieces with scissors. They have even been able to charge students 170% of their food’s market value. Each sushi roll costs a meal swipe. Each meal swipe costs $17. Therefore, your McClelland tuna roll costs $10 more than your DK Sushi $7 tuna roll. 

I hope to one day acquire enough power to end the Penn dining plan once and for all. But for now, I will eat my La Plancha meal swipe burrito and ponder a better future.