OP-ED: I Dream of A Popular KCECH

I was having a conversation with one of my many acquaintances who are so overwhelmingly in love with me that they pop the question: “Where do you live?” Why do you want to know? Do you want to bed me? It’s a personal question. I steer the conversation, because I’m really not one for hook up culture. I prefer trysts that begin with long walks and chaste conversations. You really have to get to know me before I answer questions that pertain to my soul, and it’s hard to really know me. I’m a bit of a popular loner. If they continue to probe, I always find a way to answer the question in an elusive, flirty, and honestly sexy way: “I’m a nomad, a traveler, right now I live in on-campus housing, next year I’ll live in a different on-campus housing, and after that, god only knows.” I know what they really want to hear is: “Maybe we can find a place to settle down together, start a family in one of those funky high rises.” But, like I said, I don’t move that fast. 

I don’t want to open up the floodgates. I don’t want all of these people rushing to my very popular and public dorm location. I must protect my peers. However, I have noticed my subtle responses and deflections of the probing “Where do you live?” question have not satisfied the salivating brains of my admirers…

Fine! I’ll say it! I live in Kings Court English House. I live in the part of this noble duplex known as English House. It’s regal. We have trash cans on our floor, and one shower in our bathroom has a door instead of simply a curtain. Such luxuries must only be reserved for the sector of this campus that deserves them. The rest of this campus bubble needn't know of our majesty. I imagine a world where the entrance to KCECH is a meeting hub. Instead of “meet me at upper quad gates,” I’d hear, “meet me at the only entrance to KCECH, no you went the wrong way, it’s not on Chestnut, you have to turn on this kind of small street, it’s called Sansom, yeah. You could walk right past it but the entrance has these kinda big metal gates around it and you go down steps to your left and there you got it.” Kings Court English House is mysterious, just like me. Welcome in. Don’t forget my generosity for letting you into my hubristic abode.