OP-ED: I Did Not Come To Moelis Family Grand Reading Room to Make Friends

When I yank out my Rose Gold Apple MacBook Air (Retina, 13”, Early 2020), you will know: I did not come to Moelis Family Grand Reading Room on the first floor of the Charles Patterson Van Pelt Library to fuck around. I mean business. I am dead ass. I am on God.  

We live in a society of posers. Some people spend their nine to five clicking from tab to tab. Some people scroll up and down the same spreadsheet for hours on end. Some people open a word document and stare at it for a couple of minutes before moving on to wordle. You can trust me that this is the case because I have seen them all. I have spent hours of my own precious time on God’s green earth to observe the behaviors of the regulars at Moelis Family Grand Reading Room. I have shaken my head so vehemently at the travesty I see that my chiropractor gasped when he felt my neck. 

I though. Me. Moi. I am different. When I sit down by the majestic wool mural and set up my technological gamut, you know something is afoot. When I swipe with three fingers on my trackpad to access all 12 of my desktops (each with a different photo of St Vincent as desktop background), do not come near – the magnificence of it all might frighten you. When I click open the substack email from Angelicism01 and peruse it with superhuman certitude, don’t interrupt me (unless you are giving me a cookie as a reward). Yes, I avail myself of the vast offerings and resources of this University in a far superior, tasteful, and stately manner than you can ever imagine. Kneel!