OP-ED: I Wish I Could Come To Your Show but I Can't Because It Sounds Awful

Hey bestie! Thanks for inviting me to your acapella show. I love the idea of watching 23 soon-to-be consultants pretend to be instruments while a girl from my ancient greek history recitation belts a song about a metaphorical sandcastle or her strained relationship with mom. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend because it just sounds terrible.

While I have pretended to enjoy your shows before, I believe we are now close enough for me to tell you that these past experiences have been absolutely atrocious. I am not telling you this out of malice, but out of respect. Your hobby is tortuous to the people you love, and you deserve to know that.

While tickets for your show are “cheap” at $10, I feel like that money would be better spent on a pair of tweezers to rip out my own toenails. This would be a much more entertaining and original way to spend my afternoon, and it would only be half as painful as your show. 

Anyway, sorry I can’t come, but I’d still love for you to come see me in the Mask and Wig show! You can buy tickets at maskandwig.com/tickets.