Anonymous Sorority Welcomes Undisclosed Number of Unknown People Into New Pledge Class

Ah yes, the joys of second semester. The sweet bosom of spring shows us its gentle teet and gives us April rain as its milk. The warm, meaty scent of manure greeting our noses as we walk past the wondrous mulch on Locust. But most importantly, we welcome many loving and community-driven people (and yeah all of these people are super loving and community-driven literally not a single one of them isn't) to find their new sisters.  

This year, we are excited to be reporting on the anonymous additions to the new anonymous pledge class. Although the number of women joining is undisclosed, we are almost 100% sure that at least 2 (two) people have decided to accept their bids. This undisclosed group of girls have been hard at work doing a plethora of activities to better their relations with both each other and the surrounding Penn community. 

For example, for those of you seeing anonymous figures with suitcases around Locust, these women have been kind enough to fill them up with Coke for everyone! If you are ever thirsty, be sure to stop them and ask for a can and I am sure they would be more than happy to oblige. In our reporting we have been told that Coke is a favorite of this anonymous sorority, and we are certain that they all frequent the vending machines to get a nice cold beverage. 

Furthermore, we have been alerted that these lovely women love birdwatching, and often are missing from their rooms at night searching for owls. “We love owls,” an anonymous source said in an interview with Under the Button. The source noted that they “mostly mix with them at night,” meaning of course that they are fans of the Bubo virginianus and Tyto alba species which are known for their nocturnal activity.

Besides their interests in nocturnal ornithology and philanthropy with Coke, these women like to see themselves as an anonymous, coherent unit. It is rumored that new president M. Elizabeth Magill is part of this new pledge class, which is fitting as she begins both her journey in sisterhood and presidency this year. Magill declined to comment on her involvement with this anonymous sorority, which obviously means she is a part of it.

However, besides the identity of Magill, it is largely unknown who consists of this anonymous pledge class. A few of the rumored criteria they must meet in order to be accepted into this society include citizenship from outside of the United States, involvement in equestrian and “horse girl” attire, and at least one family member with a private offshore account in the Cayman Islands. This doesn’t narrow things down too much in the Penn community, and thus our search for the identities of these anonymous sisters sadly ends here.

The undisclosed number of these unknown students joining this anonymous group are excited to share some of their unknown and also anonymous philanthropy, social, and community events. We have been told to refer to these sisters by their pledge names to ensure their anonymity. The only confirmed names we have at this time are 01110000 01100101 01101110 01101001 01110011 and عضو الرجل الجنسي. 

We hope to unveil more behind the mystique of such a unique organization, especially with their experience as horse girls in the world of equestrianism. We applaud their commitment to inclusion and the various activities (not tasks) that they do to embody sisterhood.