Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster

A Message to INTERIM Provost Beth Ann Winkelstein

Regarding Your Vaccination Status

from

Wendell Pritchett, INTERIM President

Beth Winkelstein, Interim Provost

Craig Carnaroli, Senior Executive Vice President

J. Larry Jameson, Executive Vice President for the Health System

Dear Beth Ann Winkelstein,

We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. We recognize that given your many accolades of not practicing best practices, see this New Yorker Article, you may be hesitant about getting your booster shot. In fact, given that you are an oldster who is above the media and keeping up with the times, you may not be aware of your eligibility. You also may not be aware of your Wasian ancestry or media fame, so we highly recommend that you look into both. 

Rest assured, while you perform research on how to inflict pain, we perform research on how to prevent it and cover it up. While you could be a potentially useful body for research, we are legally obligated to inform you that you may be eligible for your 4th booster shot. Many famous figures like yourself have received them, including President Joe Biden, President Joe Biden, and President Joe Biden. Usually we only perform research on FGLI students’ backgrounds, but given that you are bringing us a lot of legal attention, we thought we would perform due diligence on you. 

According to WikiLeaks, by which we did a Wikipedia search on you, we gather that it is plausible that you have recently turned 50 or are turning 50 this year. You graduated from college in 1993, so it is reasonable that you were born in 1971 ± 1 year. We could have guessed your senility from your roots, but it’s good to know that our assumptions were correct. 

We will not be throwing a birthday party for you, but consider this our gift to you! We are totally out of isolation housing, so we are trying to avoid the outcome that we make you homeless, as we know you might to our student body. Go get Johnson and Johnson girl, we DGAF!!

Love, 

Wendell and Others