DOWNLOAD THIS APP OR ELSE (Free Insomnia xx)

Hey, you! Yes, you! I can see that you are wearing AirPods Pro (current generation) on the noise canceling setting while walking down Locust, but I still think you can hear me. I am a campus ambassador for a new app that is like other apps, but it’s just for us – Penn students. How great is that!

Sure, you can keep walking and ignore the potentiality of the sublime, but I know you’ll deeply regret it. When I watch you walking away from me, I see a person who enjoys good things. I can tell you like to feel good. Don’t we all? So, whip out your 256 GB iPhone (space gray) and download this app ASAP. 

This app– it’s so good. And I’m hardly being paid to say that. I’ve downloaded it 38 times and every time I felt unspeakable joy. I’ve made so many meaningful, heartwarming connections by way of this app. Dare I say, it’s a community builder. 

Please don’t walk away! You need this app. I need you to need this app. 

Please. They have my family. Shhhhh I can’t talk for long, they’re listening, but I really need you to download this app. It’s free on the App Store or Google Play Store and you might even like it. We even have free Insomnia, take as many as you want. I just need you to download it and I need you to download it now. 

You don’t understand. This isn’t just about the app, it’s life and death for us campus ambassadors. Please. Take the cookies, take them all. I need to meet my monthly quota. Repost on your story. For the love of god, repost!

I’ll do anything, just download the app. Oh, you downloaded it? Amazing! So kind! Do you want chocolate chip or sugar?