What's on the Lauder Dining Hall Menu? Pap Smears of Wagyu

As a historical institution, the University of Pennsylvania is built on traditions and stability. Shockingly, the Penn undergraduate population reduced their use of the Student Health Services STD clinic by 15% this past school year; this is the first yearly decrease in the institution’s entire 282 year history. Campus health experts such as Doctor Lisa Gartrude suspect that welcoming of an “abundance of absolute virgins” into the class of 2025 led to this staggering decrease in sexual health clinic use. Dozens of STD clinic nurses and doctors are left with no choice but to twiddle their thumbs and pray for a resurgence of raunchy hook up culture.

As the national beacon of business education, Penn knows how to handle financial variability and implement creative solutions to reallocate overfunding; this situation is no exception. An email sent out to the undergraduate population details Penn’s updated plans to lean into Lauder college house’s “fine dining experience.” Promises of occasional steak dinners are not enough to attract applicants who have spent their life enjoying Michelin Star quality dishes.

So what’s on the menu this upcoming week? Wagyu beef Pap smears sprinkled on a bed of summer squash. At least half of SHS STD clinic staff have been relocated to beautifully equipped kitchens of Lauder College house along with their reproductive health medical instruments. Penn has been championing interdisciplinary creativity for decades; intertwining gastronomy and gynecology is no exception. Dining hall staff is preparing to invite hundreds of the plumpest Japanese Wagyu cattle into the newly coined “food clinic” to humanely source an exciting and attractive take on college dining hall eatery. Delicious!