OP-ED: Penn Should Provide Greek Life Members With Security Blankie, Mommy’s Milk

Once upon a time, things made sense and the world was fair. No one suggested that rich people somehow ‘exploited’ the working class, I got to go on vacations to Hawaii without someone on TikTok calling me a colonizer, and, most importantly, sophomores at Penn were not required to live on campus. 

But now, everything is upside down. In an unexpected and unprecedented twist of events, an insanely wealthy institution has turned on the interests of its students in order to bolster its own profits, something no one saw coming. Now, sophomores are required to live in on-campus housing, a decision that has hurt Greek life chapter houses.

The wealthy white kids that dominate Greek life are used to getting their way, and this is not what they want. Therefore this policy is discrimination and, dare I say, bordering on a hate crime. 

Undergraduate students are not landlords. Yet. While they may have gotten some experience from witnessing their parents manage the multiple properties that they own, this has not equipped them to handle this huge burden. 

Penn administration, I ask you this: if Greek chapter houses cannot be filled, who will eat the meals prepared by the live-in professional chef? Who will make the messes to be cleaned by the full time maid? Who will stand at the door and ask lame freshmen to name five brothers?

In fact, I believe that having Penn subsidize rent for Greek chapter houses does not go far enough. The University can and should be doing so much more for their students that have been thrown to the wolves of the real world after having been so coddled their entire lives. I mean really, what IS the administration doing to help out frats and sororities? Besides allowing them to occupy the nicest buildings on campus, looking the other way when their members commit physical and sexual assault, prioritizing them over cultural centers, and letting them get away with basically any violation of university policy imaginable because of the donations from their alums? That’s right: nothing. 

Penn’s new policy regarding sophomore housing has placed a financial burden and tangible monetary stress on Greek life members and executive boards, something they have never once had to worry about in their lives. As a form of reparation, the University should provide every member of Greek life on campus with a comfort security blankie, as well as a monthly subscription to warm milk from Mommy. This won’t make their boo-boos feel all better, but it will provide an ounce of comfort in this cruel, cruel world, a world so notoriously inhospitable to the wealthy WASP-y children of elites. 

And besides, what else does Penn need to be spending money on? Subsidizing cost of living for FGLI students? Expanding financial aid packages? Protecting affordable housing for University City residents? Finally paying PILOTs to the city of Philadelphia? Perhaps providing a scholarship for Mackenzie Fierceton after drastically fucking her over and dragging her through the mud? Don’t be ridiculous. Those cry baby bitches don’t deserve handouts—Penn should be taking care of the people who really matter on this campus: me and my rich friends.