Oh No! Penn Loses Entire Endowment Betting on High-Stakes UNO

The Penn administration issued a statement this past Wednesday regarding the state of our cherished endowment. Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy. An unnamed member of the administration was “itchin’ to make a buck” and bet 20 billion dollars on a game of UNO. After an unfortunate turn of events, and a well-timed wildcard play on the part of the opponent, The University of Pennsylvania is now left with 72 cents in the bank. 

BREAKING – As I am typing out this sentence, we have just received an official statement from the unnamed member of the administration that lost it all in an UNO game. The transcript reads as follows: “Yoyoyo. By now you’ve all heard of my little cold streak. Don’t fret, for I’ve come up with a mathematical solution. After losing all of our money, it is now a physical impossibility to lose any more. As such, I shall valiantly return to the UNO table and bet another $20 billion as there is nowhere to go but up. Sayonara, fuckwads.” Damn, that guy’s cool. If his plan does not work, Penn has stated that they do have backup plans in place in order to help reconstruct the endowment. In hopes of restoring the funds, several prominent department chairs will be doing a bikini car wash this Sunday, a “Professors of the Pac-10” calendar is in production, and, if worse comes to worse, they might even do the unthinkable and stop allowing students to steal from Arch. Let’s hope we never get to that point.