Instructive Handwashing Posters To Be Replaced With Step-by-Step Toothbrushing Guides

Ding dong, the witch is dead! The University has ended its mask mandate in all indoor settings except the classroom. This shift in policy received bipartisan support from both the cool and lame alike, approved by every participant in Greek life on campus as well as all six members of Penn Republicans.

However, with the slaying of one monster comes the birth of another. After two and a half years behind masks at all times in all public settings, students have not only developed intense blackheads; they’ve also been fomenting some seriously dangerous bad breath.

Because the mask mandate was so strictly enforced on campus and never once violated by anyone ever, many students slacked off with their dental hygiene. This build up of plaque has been collectively released at once across campus. There have been reports of a green fog leftover in GSRs after particularly potent group study sessions.

Some have criticized the University for continuing to require masks in classroom settings. Many others, however, are grateful that the administration is protecting the community from hazards posed by the noxious fumes emanating from the mouths of their peers. Why should those who continue to take comfort in masking be forced to confront the deadly smelly threats pouring out of that girl in recitation who has been vaping for 12 consecutive hours without a single sip of water, or even so much as a breath mint?

The University has taken decisive steps to combat this new threat to public health. Because the pandemic is officially over, all handwashing posters in public restrooms will be taken down. These signs will be replaced with step-by-step, illustrative guides on proper toothbrushing etiquette. 

The signs will be posted in public bathrooms, although the University hopes that students will take these lessons home with them to brush their teeth privately—and, by the grace of God, at least twice daily. Additionally, free breath mints and floss will be provided by all RAs and College Houses right next to the free condoms. Ideally, students will use the hygiene products before they have opportunity to use the contraceptive ones.