Unfair Advantage: Depressed, Hermetic Students Excel at Philosophy

Now, this just isn’t right! A shocking new report released last Tuesday revealed that depressed, hermetic Penn students obtain significantly higher final grades in philosophy classes than their mentally healthy counterparts.

“There is just something about laying in your dark, musty room for an entire day, forgoing human connection, and subsisting entirely on Cheez-its and Haribo gummy bears that really gives you an leg up in courses such as ‘Theory of Knowledge’ or ‘The Social Contract,’” lead researcher Jacob Jorgenson explained.

Obviously, this is not acceptable at a place like Penn. We can’t have certain students having an unfair advantage over others on account of their affinity for long nights spent staring out the window, mulling over squandered opportunities and mourning the loss of friendships. Somebody needs to take these philosophizing worrywarts down a peg — and quick!

The members of the Department of Philosophy, the brilliant thinkers that they are, have already enacted new measures aimed at equalizing the playing field.

“Students who feel like there is no place for them in society outperform their peers by an exceptional margin,” philosophy chair Sally Rosencrantz reported. “After many rounds of trial and error, I am proud to say that we have developed a solution: we found that a warm, loving embrace followed by the delicate kiss of a mother on the forehead was enough to give these students a strong sense of belonging. Subsequently, they lost all interest in philosophy.”

That’s one problem, solved! Next up: how can we stop yearning, lovesick romantics from stealing the top spots in English classes?