Girls in Class of 2026 Very Mature for Their Age, According to Report by Men in Class of 2023

The results are in, and the science has spoken: barely legal girls just do it better.

A recent study out of the University of Pennsylvania has found that female members of the newly-arrived class of 2026 show higher levels of maturity than are typical for their age group. Surprisingly, the study was not conducted by an official research organization, but rather co-authored by numerous male students in the senior class, as well as at least two male professors who endorsed the findings.

While the study is admittedly lacking in certain metrics of experimental research, it has at least been extensively peer-reviewed: brothers of all on-campus fraternities declared the findings valid, no cap. 

The study consisted primarily of conversations and surveys with a legion of 22-year old men who are largely ignored by women their age. When asked, these men all agreed that freshman girls just have something special, something that’s lacking in women who have had more time to develop their prefrontal cortex. 

Results of these surveys revealed an inverse correlation between the amount of time passed since a girl’s 18th birthday and her level of attractiveness to men that are about to be kicked off of their parents’ insurance plan: as one goes up, the other goes down. In a similar vein, results also showed an inverse correlation between a girl's attractiveness and the number of drinks it takes to get her blackout-drunk. 

The men involved in the study gave repeated assurances that their attraction to freshmen, while partially motivated by the fact that they are “fun, hot, and stupidly irresponsible,”  is not purely superficial. According to one man, he finds girls born after 9/11 to be, paradoxically, more mature than some older women. As quoted in the report: “I’ve dated senior girls before–I mean, I’ve dated one girl–and she was always like, why are you dismissing my feelings, why do you always gaslight me and ignore me, blah blah blah, just really petty stuff ya know? So tiring. When I hang out with freshman girls, they’re so excited that I’m giving them the time of day that they don’t even care if I get Tinder notifications right in front of them. That kind of emotional maturity is so refreshing.” 

Another participant echoed these sentiments. "It takes a really mature girl–nay, woman–to still think I’m cool despite the fact that I have no actual interests, no sense of humor, and very few friends. I love that she appreciates me for who I am: someone that can buy alcohol for her and her friends." 

Overall, girls whose ink hasn’t yet dried on their high school diploma have found this study extremely flattering. The report has also been received well by most therapists, who look forward to having these girls as clients in about five years.