I Fucking Hate This School! News of Distrito Closing Sophomore Girl’s Last Straw

Many students have been mourning the news of popular on campus Mexican restaurant, Distrito, abruptly closing down over the summer with little warning. “No, like you literally don’t understand, this is the fucking end of me. This school hates me.  Everybody hates me. It’s just so incredibly, unarguably unfair. It was my spot. No one has it worse than me right now,” says Olivia Farrington, C’ 24. 

“Where the fuck am I supposed to drink margs for a pregame now, Copa? Have you fucking had their margaritas?” Farrington asked in an exclusive UTB interview. Many students, like Farrington, are devastated at the prospect of having to migrate to Copa Cabana after the loss of Distrito, due to “the margaritas tasting remarkably similar to a glass of Schuylkill river water, with just a splash of lime juice.” UTB did not push further questions asking why multiple students knew what the river tasted like.

When probed about the food options at Copa in comparison to Distrito, the responses were similarly degrading. “The quesadilla resembles a block of battery acid, and don’t even dare to order some form of meat on that. The cheese is quite literally more unnaturally neon orange than the dust at the bottom of a Cheetos bag. And like an old, expired Cheetos bag, too.”

These strong opinions are held by much of the student body, and the loss of Distrito has been impactful for us all. There will be a memorial service for the restaurant held next week, a lovely vigil taking place at the very site it once stood. Students are asked to respect the BYOM format, bring your own margaritas, an homage to the many blackouts, sloppy pregame mistakes, and premature bathroom voms. Many have said the ghosts of Distrito are still at work, the wafts of tacos still smelled throughout Chestnut street. Rest in Peace, dear friend, Distrito. Gone, but never forgotten by us.