President Magill Pledges To Host Second Ice Cream Social in Response to Townhome Protest

On Monday night, freshman convocation for the class of 2026 came to an abrupt end when protestors arrived on College Green demanding that the administration take action to save the University City Townhomes. The UC Townhomes are some of the last affordable housing in University City, but with their recent sale by the owner, residents are scheduled to be forcibly evicted. Frustrated after years of being ignored by Penn administrators, protestors felt as though disrupting the event was their only chance to be heard as the eviction date rapidly approaches.

Luckily, these activists need worry no longer. A drastic change has taken place at the University of Pennsylvania: the older white woman serving as president is now a brunette. Liz Magill is all about change, and with this fresh new face as part of the administration, Penn is ready to take some real action. 

In the wake of the protest, President Magill announced via email that another ice cream social will be held on College Green in the coming weeks. Some questioned how this event will be of any assistance to the townhome residents facing eviction, but the president’s email offered reassuring details.  

“All ice cream will be served in bowls that say ‘Black Lives Matter’, ‘Save the UC Townhomes’, or ‘Go Liz #girlboss’. I see this event as a perfect opportunity for calm, civil discussion, which is such a crucial aspect of our democracy. Therefore, the event is open to all! Well, all those with a Penn ID. And of course, in the interest of safety, the event will be completely walled off by barbed-wire electric fences and patrolled by the entirety of the Penn Police Department, as well as a handful (maybe 100 or so) Philadelphia police officers equipped with riot gear. Civil discussions must be protected, after all. Large posters and megaphones will also be banned from the event, because safety reasons. It’ll be great! Bring your friends!”

Students who were upset about the interruption were heartened by Magill’s announcement. Many first-years are excited for a second chance to be in the presence of President Magill, and another opportunity to experience the Penn tradition of a tired, hollow, convocation speech given by an old rich person.  

“I’m glad President Magill is taking action to compensate the innocent victims of this situation: the class of 2026,” said one anonymous freshman. “Like yeah, freedom of speech or whatever, I just feel like it was the wrong time and place for a protest. Couldn’t they have waited? Maybe until after all those families are evicted? It seems selfish to interrupt a celebration of the arrival of Philadelphia’s newest gentrifiers when it was supposed to be our night. I mean, can’t Penn have one thing?” 

The ice cream social will take place on October 8th, as a tribute to the townhome residents who will be evicted on that day. Although none of the residents or community organizers are invited to the social, it is expected that President Magill will acknowledge them in her speech by vaguely referring to “Penn’s neighbors in West Philly” who “deserve our respect, but not our money nor our attention.”

In fact, to further demonstrate how much the University cares about demonstrating that it cares, there are rumors that Magill may even authorize a new statue to be erected in commemoration of the former UC Townhomes. We stan a woke queen!