Guy That Seemed Super Mysterious Turned Out to Have Just Grown up Mormon

“He seemed like your run of the mill PPE major — but without the character flaws,” said CAS junior Maya Brown as she stared down at her Stommons cold brew.

Brown explained that her first-year sweetheart had all the markings of a mystical YA love interest. He loved to philosophize, claimed to “have a complex relationship with faith,” and took edibles but didn’t drink.

“He was like Augustus Waters, Edward Cullens, and that guy from The Catcher in the Rye all wrapped up in one,” sighed Brown. Brown admitted that the guy seemed to have issues, but, well, that’s what she liked about him.

“When I learned so many of his personality traits came from his turbulent relationship with the Morman church and not some mysterious John Green trope, that’s when I decided it was over. I should have known when he said he had a lot of family in Utah,” shrugged Maya.

Brown is not alone. In a survey of Penn’s undergraduate population, multiple respondents said they had relationships with men who were considering leaving or had already left the Church of the Latter Day Saints. Of these respondents, half reported that they mistook their partner’s profound musings and hesitancy to talk about childhood as part and parcel of sexy humanity majors, not a product of their tormented relationship with the faith they were leaving.

Dr. Beth Schmitt, Head of Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), further explained this phenomenon. "What we're seeing amongst young people of this generation is that they're looking for partners who have a certain mystique," Dr. Schmitt said. "Your generation wants a little drama in a partner. But most of your generation isn’t empathetic enough for the drama that is reconciling a relationship with a religion that barred Black people from priesthood until 1978 and does not approve same-sex marriage."

If girlies are in search of a moody guy with a certain mystique, but don’t want to do the emotional heavy lifting of supporting someone reckoning with their faith, UTB recommends PPE majors who stick unlit cigarettes in their mouth as a metaphor for having control over their destiny as an alternative.