Penn Introduces New Study A Broad Program

With the start of the academic year, the Penn Abroad office has introduced a new “Study A Broad Program” so students can enhance their academic experience without leaving the comfort of Philadelphia.

The Penn Abroad office was met with an overwhelming interest in the program. Of the 500 juniors that applied, 499 requested to study the same broad: Beth Winkelstein. However, after her clear objections to participating, the students were required to pick fellow students to surveil. Given the intensive nature of the program, as students are required to follow their broad 24/7, participants are exempt from classes for the semester.

There was no application process and every student that signed up was immediately given full access to their broad’s class schedule, transcript, list of friends and campus involvements, SHS medical files, family tree, whether she receives Weingarten accommodations, and what they are, a tiny GPS tracker to inject her with when you finally get close enough, passwords to all her social media accounts, a wig and clothing so you can look exactly like her, and Penn card access to her dorm room, if she lives in campus housing. 

At the end of the semester, participating students will be required to give presentations to the Penn community on what they learned from their time studying a broad, such as whether or not she is a vibe. 

Student reception has been overall positive. 

One guy said: “Yeah it’s not studying in London, but this broad got big ole titties, and I love looking at them all day. Yum yum.”

One broad being studied reported: “Sure, at first I found it odd that I was being followed, but now I love it. Whenever I get into fights with my friends, I can always turn to Jason who’s hiding under the couch for confirmation that Jessie is in fact a mean bitch.” 

While most broads have appreciated the newfound attention, as any broad does, a group of women has started protesting the Study A Broad program. Notably, none of these women were picked by other students to be studied. 

In response to these complaints, the University released the following statement: “Maybe if you were just prettier, men would want to follow you around.”