"Step One, Roth IRA...": Wharton Freshman Advises Displaced Philadelphia Residents

Protests, sit-ins, rallies, and speeches; the controversy arising out of the University of Pennsylvania's continued expansion into the surrounding area has finally reached a boiling point. Luckily, during this tense period, one freshman has stepped forward with words of advice directed toward any soon-to-be displaced members of the University City community. 

After having attended 3 (three) corporate finance (with honors) classes, this freshman, who has chosen to remain nameless, believes he has a solution to end this crisis once and for all. To the Philadelphia citizens who have just unwillingly entered the housing market, he had this to say: "Step one, you're gonna want to put all your money in a Roth IRA, that way, your money just, like, you know, like, it'll be more money." This advice could be the key to healing this troubled city. For those that may not have the liquidity to invest at the moment, he suggests that "diversification" is key, stating, "for step two, you need to take all of your assets and make sure you're optimizing them at maximum efficiency." 

Once the first two steps are completed, step three, which was stressed heavily, is to "begin preparation for internship apps and case interviews in May at the latest". Steps 4 and 5 are to get a couple hundred thousand dollars from your father. If the displaced residents follow this simple 5-step plan, they should be Main Line homeowners in no time.