Startup Ambassadors Ditch Insomnia Cookies, Now Offer Toothy, Egregious Head if You Download Their App

One afternoon, on probably a Wednesday or something, I was minding my own business in Houston Hall, accompanied only by my friend who is shorter and less breathtaking than me. I was then approached by a man (Caucasian, forgettable, potentially brown hair. He could have been blond. I don't care).

He baited us with the promise of a free donut, we foolishly entertained him, and he led us to the center of Houston Hall in front of all to see. I reached for my treat, already opening the Lifesum app to enter in my points for the week, knowing this would earn me a Sad Face icon next to my entry. And, like the evil witch in a children's short story, this man began to list his demands. I stood in the middle of Houston Hall with a donut in between my fingers for upwards of 4 full minutes, as if I was a white man trying to "bulk." I attempted to download this app, then had to delete photos of my body off my camera roll to make enough storage for it, and attempted again.

After this step, he demanded I perform a traditional Indian dance to further earn my reward. I removed my jacket to reveal my long, flowing sari that I wear every day, and I burst into a jubilant routine. Nearly 3000 of my current suitors flocked to witness me; I felt like that girl who sings a lot in Les Mis (I have never seen this movie). Even the startup ambassador threw himself at me, falling to his knees and begging for the opportunity to court me. I politely declined and walked away to eat my donut.