Fossil Free Tent People’s Newest Water Saving Demand: End Douching

Stop fossil fuel. Stop gentrification. And now, stop douching.

We caught up with Penn Environmental Science Sophomore Samantha Strep to learn more about Fossil Free Penn’s latest developments.

“Could you explain why Fossil Free Penn decided to focus on this new issue and why your organization believes that it is pressing?”

“The Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering department at Penn conducted several studies testing the water of the Schuylkill River, the source of all tap water in University City. Recently published studies uncovered trace amounts of sodium chloride, hydrogen dioxide, and other toxic chemicals that have been proven time and time again to cause birth defects such as homosexuality. The only rational and scientific explanation for this phenomenon is douching-facilitated contaminations; gay people have been infecting the water we drink for purely recreational and unnecessary purposes. We identity the positive feed back loop that exacerbates this issue: polluted waterways are associated with birth defects such as homosexuality which gives rise to more individuals that will further pollute drinking water. We want to keep our waterways clean for the sake of future Penn students and University City Residents. What good is University City housing if they cannot drink tap water and shower? Our city isn’t Flint, and we will make sure it will not become Flint”

"Could you elaborate on the ways in which douching harms the environment?"

"I already clearly depicted how douching affects the quality of our water, but I'd like to also focus on the detrimental effects on the quantity of our water. We all do our part in saving water; for example, I'm personally committed to taking 0 minute showers. Gay men, on the other hand, have no respect for mother nature; I mean, how can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women? Some reports indicated that it takes an average of 60 gallons of our water for their water to run clear. That is criminal!"

“What specific regulation should Penn implement to achieve the critical goal of saving our water ways?”

“We believe in attacking the issues at their root cause rather than implementing band aid solutions. For example, we recognize that Penn’s history of gentrification stems from investment in fossil fuel because we said so. In reference to the twink facilitated water crisis, our recommendations include an immediate ban on homosexual relationships for all Penn students, faculty, alumni, and visitors. We cannot just implement barriers against douching; we must have grander asspirations. We are seeking to eliminate the foundation of all environmentally harmful activities: sodomy.”