Magill Spotted Hanging Sneakers Around Campus Amidst “Penn-trification” Accusations

It’s been a rocky start to Liz Magill’s presidential reign. The climate protestors are holding their entrenched position on the College Green, UC Townhome protestors interrupted her speech at convocation, and Copa is the only Mexican place left on campus. 

Between the McDonald’s remodeling and Penn reaching its hand deeper and deeper into West Philly, the school has been repeatedly accused of “Penn-trifying” the surrounding neighborhood. 

Magill, in response, has decided to take matters into her own hands. Eyewitnesses report that, late one night, they saw a shadowy figure in a long trench coat tossing pairs of sneakers up onto wires around campus. CCTV footage revealed the culprit had beautiful dirty-blonde shoulder length locks and was striding like she had somewhere to be. The only person left as a suspect is our matriarch, Magill herself.

Pairs of beat-up shoes now hang from the Engineering Quad banner, the Saxby’s sign, and even the Tampons. To the president's delight, students report that campus already has a grittier feel, especially due to the mind-boggling fact that the shoes aren’t Golden Gooses. While we aren’t sure if Magill’s recent installments indicate that she’ll begin selling drugs to students, this is something to keep an eye on. If she doesn’t, it could be the most recent page of an obscenely long story: an administration not following through on promises that would improve the average student’s quality of life. What a shame.