Clueless Mom Fails to Comprehend That Glow Party Takes Precedent Over Home-Cooked Meal

BENSALEM, PA – Barbara White, mom of three and self-proclaimed “proud Penn parent”, was thoroughly disappointed last weekend when her eldest son Jake (C ‘26) no-showed their scheduled Saturday evening family dinner. The chicken was roasted, the pie was baked, the potatoes mashed, and the table set. The son, however, was hammered. 

Jake had been invited to an on-campus fraternity’s glow party, and he wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to recreate that episode of It’s Always Sunny where they go to a glow party at Penn. So sick. Mac and Charlie totally almost got laid. With these visions in mind, Jake pregamed hard and eagerly awaited his walk up Spruce – making sure to send a “sorry can’t make it” text to mom before leaving.

Back at home, Barbara was barely holding it together. She had labored all day in preparation for the special night, and her son canceled in favor of a “glow party” at the last minute. Glow party? What even is a glow party? An abbrev? Like a Girls and Ladies on (Jake) White party? Probably. After all, her son was both an Economics major and a short king. Legend.

Whatever it was, it was hard for her to wrap her head around why Jake would turn down the opportunity for a home-cooked meal. It wasn’t too often that she saw her special boy, after all, as school kept him busy. What she didn’t know was that “school” was really just something to do to keep busy during the day. The real time suck came from rushing nine fraternities concurrently, hence the dinner cancellation.

Thoroughly confused, Barbara sat down to eat with the Whites as a group of four. While they ate, in a drunken lapse of judgment, Jake tried to suck the glowy stuff out of a glow stick as if it was an ice pop. Both parties were left with an uneasy feeling in their stomach.