Magill Announces Fossil Fuel Divestment, Crosses Fingers Behind Her Back

Renowned prankster and part-time University President Liz Magill announced early this week that Penn would divest its $20.7 billion endowment from any and all holdings in fossil fuel assets as she held her fingers crossed behind her back. While she attempted to stifle a snicker, she explained the rationale behind her long-awaited decision.

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. “We’re proud to be one of the leading universities in combating climate change. I mean, we just finished our Climate Week, for Christ’s sake! And I know it seems like we haven’t been listening to our student body, but trust me, we care about your opinions the most. Really. I was kind of hesitant to take the step of being the first and only university to divest from fossil fuels, but after listening to the morons out on College Green – sorry, the courageous student activists of Fossil Free Penn – I was entirely convinced,” she continued, rolling her eyes to emphasize her point.

“Seriously guys, we’re divesting. So you can pack up your tents and go back to your silly little dorms now.”

Students applauded the University’s sudden change in policy, with many being impressed at President Magill’s apparent sincerity. As the residents of the FFP encampment began packing themselves up, we spoke with Daniel Bai (C ‘25), who asked to remain anonymous.

“I feel like something’s different this time. President Magill has gotten me good in the past, like when she told me to pull her finger or when she sent me an email saying that she’d pay off my student loans in full, but I don’t know. The way she said it today makes me really want to believe her.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the President’s office explained that the word “gullible” was written on the ceiling.