Life Fuel: Starbucks Claims that "You Spin Me Right Round Baby Right Round Like a Record Baby Right Round Round Round"

This is insane. This morning, at the Starbucks on 34th and Walnut, I had an experience that was beyond life-changing.

It all started when a voice, a beautiful, masculine voice played through the speaker as I waited patiently for my flat white:

“If I, I get to know your name

Well, if I could trace your private number, baby”

Now that got my attention. You want to trace my private number? My number? Hell, I’d give it to you for free! I’ll pay you to text me at my private number!

“All I know is that to me

You look like you’re lots of fun”

Well… thank you! Geez, I’m flattered. No one’s ever called me “fun” before. It’s a huge step up from “no, ew, get away from me, you stink of rotten cheese, when was the last time you showered,” that’s for sure!

“Open up your lovin’ arms

I want some, want some”

Well, I just have to oblige, don’t I? Wow, I’m really getting into this now… cowabunga!

“I set my sights on you

(And no one else will do)

And I, I’ve got to have my way now, baby”

Okay, that’s a bit forward… but that’s fine! Please treat my body like the pay-per-view binoculars at the bird park.

“All I know is that to me

You look like you’re havin’ fun

Open up your lovin’ arms

Watch out, here I come”

Jiminy Cricket! You shocked me there. I do appreciate the warning you gave about your imminent and swift approach toward my loving arms, but your ebullient gusto was seriously on the brink of giving me a bad case of the vapors! Next time, please do give me just a little bit more time to react. That’s all I really ask.

“You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round

Like a record, baby, right ’round, ’round, ’round

You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round

Like a record, baby, right ’round, ’round, ’round”

No. Way. He did not just say that. Oh God. I’m the one that’s making him spin around, like a record? I can’t believe it. Lordy! Somebody pinch me, for I have begun to froth at the mouth.

“I (I, I, I), I got to be your friend now, baby

And I (I, I, I) would like to move in just a little bit closer

(To move in just a little bit closer)”

I… have a friend? I have a FRIEND! Sweet Baby Ray, this is the best thing that’s happened to me since I aced the CIS 160 final!! Yeah, let’s get closer!!! Oh yeah, I’m on “Cloud Nine,” baby!

“All I know is that to me

You look like you’re lots of fun

Open up your lovin’ arms

Watch out, here I come”

You’re repeating yourself a little bit now, but to be completely honest, I could not care less. I am in a state of pure euphoria right now, and I am completely captivated by your siren song. You could be singing about the vices of the military-industrial complex right now and I would be none the wiser. Christ Almighty, I am putty in your hands.

“You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round

Like a record, baby, right ’round, ’round, ’round

You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round

Like a record, baby, right ’round, ’round, ’round”

AWOOGA! Th-thank you, sir! I am so pleased that you decided to reiterate your point that I, metaphorically speaking, spin you around and around, akin to how a record turns on a turntable! This has surpassed the realm of lust — this could truly be the makings of a relationship that could last! Oh, sweet joy!

“I want your love

I want your love”

I… want your love too, you sweet, Mercurian messenger, you sonic potentate, you unabashed yet emotionally-available satyr… 

“All I know is that to me

You look like you’re lots of fun

Open up your lovin’ arms

Watch out, here I come”

YES! I’m ready this time, you suave baby doll! Thanks to your bold use of repetition and adherence to conventional song structure — I am READY!!

“You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round

Like a record, baby, right ’round, ’round, ’round

You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round

Like a record, baby, right ’round, ’round, ’round

You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round

Like a record, baby, right ’round, ’round, ’round (I want your love)

You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round

Like a record, baby, right ’round, ’round, ’round (I want your love)

You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round (I need your love)

Like a record, baby, right ’round, ’round, ’round

You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round (I need your love)

Like a record, baby, right ’round, ’round, ’round”

Thank you, oh thank you, Starbucks on 34th, for supplying such potent, mind-altering life fuel. It’s a good thing too, because the flat white tasted like garbage.