Penn Tops "Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni" List for Third Year in a Row

Penn bested Harvard and Columbia yet again this week after being ranked first in the U.S. News and World Report’s “Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni” list. The ranking, compiled by representatives from the NRA, McKinsey, and Nestle, scored the University’s alumni on factors like hedonism, self-interest, and mendacity. While U.S. News editors congratulated the University for its strong network of alumni working as fossil fuel executives and consultants for authoritarian regimes, they did note that Penn’s scores had been slipping for some time.

“In this day and age, it’s not enough to just harbor mild contempt for your fellow man,” began the editor’s note. “We’re not looking for your run-of-the-mill Wall Street bankers – people who would give a homeless man a dollar after contributing to the gentrification crisis that forced him on the streets. If you want to be competitive in today’s world, you need to think outside the box.

“Billionaires who sell cars with glaring safety issues and bust unions, politicians who mismanage pandemics and lie about elections, and quack doctors who kill dogs; it’s folks like these who’ll usher in a new era of darkness across the world.”

A press release posted this afternoon on Penn Today welcomed the news, reading in part: “We welcome the release of the recent U.S. News ranking and reaffirm our commitment to producing the next generation of avaricious leaders. Just last week, our Center for Moral Corruption unveiled several new initiatives designed to recruit talented young sociopaths for our finance and political science programs.”

When UTB attempted to reach Liz Magill for comment, her eyes glowed red and she sicced her dogs on our reporters.