BREAKING: Wharton First-Year Edges HOWWWW MANY PEOPLE???
October 11, 2022 at 9:01 am
The results of the Penn Student Government Elections for the Class Board of 2026 and Undergraduate Assembly—which were released late September—have caused quite the kerfuffle at the University of Pennsylvania. The electoral outcomes have left many astonished, jarred, and even ashamed to be a Quaker. The sacrilegious and intense extent that one candidate reached to secure their imaginary position has raised multiple questions and investigations regarding the ethical nature of the consensus.
It was revealed that Veronica Jawn, a first-year Wharton student, will serve as president for the Class Board of 2026. In a historical landslide, Jawn easily beat her two competitors who also ran for the coveted position. However, before Jawn could commence with her first planned event, a spikeball competition with only 24 attendees on Gutmann Field, rumors began circulating about the muddy metrics under Jawn’s campaign run.
Apparently from numerous sources, Jawn allegedly solicited extra votes from numerous students by coercing them consensually in an act where the usual method of release was contradicted and instead prolonged until an ultimate finish occurred...
She literally edged students for her votes, and according to a tiny, fine-print line written in the Constitution by our Founding Fathers, it states we must not edge for political gain.
The final number of how many votes were “criminally edged” changes as new information surfaces every day, but Under The Button has concluded a demographic list with over 400 different students. We are unsure how Jawn was able to edge that many people in such a fast and secretive manner, or if she is even alright, but she has declined to comment further.
In solidarity, the FossilFreePenn protestors have agreed to pack up their tents to allow the now-dubbed “EdgeGate” protestors to brood in a public space of their own. Interestingly, new President Liz Magill, per usual, was nowhere to be found when asked for a comment on the ongoing EdgeGate protests.