Shocking! Worst Looking Frat Brother is Worst Smelling Person at Pottruck

Have you ever asked yourself: are the 2/10 ratings given by the doorkeepers to the girls in my friend group mere projections from the frat brothers? I know, I know… the idea that men with superiority complexes arbitrarily guarding the door to their bore of a party would project their insecurities onto beautiful women is unheard of, just let me theorize damnit.

Being the journalist I am —long live the press!— I have personally chosen to investigate this matter in the field. Disguising myself as a Creatine fiend and a gym rat, I frequented the halls of the most exclusive club on campus, The David Pottruck Health and Fitness Center; I deadlifted 250 lbs, benched 143 lbs, and squatted 165 lbs, all while weighing a mere 120 lbs and being five feet tall, scouting the premise for candidates that could prove my claim.

The most traumatizing moment of this investigation dawned upon me: the most unfortunate looking frat brother I have ever met (like actually dude if you’re reading this please go to the barber) asked me to “spot” him on the bench; having to stare down at his asymmetrical face and ungroomed “beard” all while realizing he definitely does not wear deodorant definitely counted as a work hazard that I need to be compensated for.

Thankfully, my methods have revealed to me with utmost certainty that the men eating 7 bacon strips before partying and downing the vilest drinks out of their red cups have in fact been the 2/10s at the function all along! I am here to confirm any and all suspicions you sexy readers have regarding some (most) fraternity brothers: the ugly ones are the source of the moldy, briney, sticky, aroma emanating from their unwashed selves and bathrooms.