Tsk Tsk! Girl Wears Dr. Martens Without Platforms

A most heinous atrocity has occurred. Hold tight to your loved ones. Call your mom. Call her. It’s only a matter of time until the world finds out, and by then, it’ll be too late. Yesterday, a girl of average height left her home wearing Doc Martens WITHOUT a platform. For shame, for shame! 

First it’s docs without platforms, then it’s shirts that aren’t cropped. Just the thought of this makes me want to run away to the darkest depths of the world. To cry until every last drop of my salty salty tears until every ounce of water has left my shell of a body. All because of this selfish individual who chose to forgo the extra height. Is this what the democratic ideals of our nation have led to?

When Thomas Jefferson wrote “all men are created equal” in the Declaration of Independence, he did not mean by stature. Therefore, we should all be purchasing platform Dr. Martens to uphold the equality that this country lays its foundations on. As a society of like-minded individuals, reaching for self-enlightenment in an age of elitist principles taking hold, we cannot let the scum of the earth decide our fate. It is our time, as a people, to grab the reins of our metaphysical horses, and ride off into the picturesque sunset towards an era of diplomatic justice. Is this so much to ask? 

So, my brothers, sisters, and cousins of the City of Brotherly Love, will you rise up with me and urge others to wear platform shoes to ensure a safe and secure future? Or will you sit idle and deny yourself an extra few flattering inches? The choice is yours, but just know that we have a collective responsibility for the future of freedom. Say it with me now, Tsk Tsk! Tsk Tsk! Long live the platform! Godspeed.